Can CPR Really Spell Disaster?

The other day my ever so kind Principal came up to me and pointed out to me that I hadn’t been CPR certified in two years. “Really” I said acting surprised. He then said “ Don’t you think you should get certified?” I said, “I wasn’t thinking of it.” He asked, “Did you know there is a class this Saturday?” “No I didn’t but I am glad there is for those who want to take it” I said politely. What I really wanted to say was “Do you mean there are enough people that can’t find anything to do on Saturday but to go to a CPR class? Sheesh they need a life!” There is no way I could get away with that as he is my boss so I kept my thoughts to myself for a change. Something about him having the power to fire me kept me quiet for some reason. My Principal then asked, “Your name is on the list of those taking the class, did you know that?” “Not until now” I said. My Principal said, “It’s mandatory, it’s on your own time and your own dime. Oh and have a nice Saturday.”

At this point I know there must be several thousand people in the medical field who are raising objections to my post… OK OK there must be at least two people in the medical field who are reading this and both of them are up in arms. Before anyone gets any more upset at me let me explain that in the last fifteen years I have been certified ten times. This means I have taken a 4-6 hour class on how to do CPR ten times. Fortunately I have never had to use it. I very much know how CPR saves lives, respect those who came up with this life saving technique and those who teach it. It’s a certification that I needed so my objection wasn’t in taking the course, but it’s just that I HAD to take it on Saturday. I have taken the class so many times that the CPR dummy and I are on first name basis. Her name is Annie. My primary objections in being part of the class is 1) It was mandatory 2) My efforts weren’t being reward for in any way and the most important objection is that it was on a Saturday my day.

As I sat down waiting for the class to begin I thought; it is 7:45 A.M. on Saturday. I have not had any coffee. I am tired. I am going to be so bored. I have taken the class so often I could teach it. I felt well I have to make the best of it so I settled in for a long boring class. For the first ten minutes the class lived up to my expectations. After that there was enough excitement to remember for at least five CPR classes.

Our teacher had gotten us in position to do our first rescue breath on Annie and her sisters. I followed directions asking if Annie was all right. Since she wasn’t talking I went in to position for doing my first rescue breath on her. As I took in my breath my belt released and my pants began a slow descent down my legs. Now I don’t care how much trouble breathing Annie is having I am going to stop the pant creep. I grabbed the pants rather quickly if I do say so myself and as I did that I swear I saw Annie’s eyes open wider. As I went to do my second rescue breath my belt and pants did a repeat performance. As I gathered my pants up I noticed that Annie’s eyes were indeed opened wider. Not only that but there was suddenly a grin on Annie’s face that wasn’t there before my pants took two trips down my legs.

For the next almost four hours my belt would release itself every time I buckled it and then my pants tried to get away from me as quickly as possible. It got worse when I began chest compressions on Annie. As I worked on her  her grin got wider and every once in awhile I heard a sigh from Annie. I know I know Annie couldn’t open her eyes wide, smile and even sigh but then my pants shouldn’t have tried to escape on me either. I really think it was a plot by the belt and the pants with encouragement by Annie. I was careful to limit entertaining only the people on either side of me, across from me, and those straining their necks to get a better look. To make things worse the more embarrassed I got the warmer the room got. It is possible but I have no way of knowing it for certain that my red face may have increased the heat in the classroom by ten degrees. No one laughed during the class but there sure was a lot of laughter after the class. As to what folks were laughing at I can’t be sure of that either though they were pointing at something near me with their index finger.

At the end of the class I was gathering up all my gear around Annie and was gently lifting her up on the table from the floor and I swear I heard “Thank you” from her. I looked up at her just in time to see a quick wink. One thing is for certain Annie’s heart was sure pumped that day.